My BEAR stands for...

I do this thing… It’s like I must always find deeper meaning in things. In Philosophy (yes, I took college philosophy – letting my geek flag fly here – it’s called integral theory and it’s basically peeling back the layers of a concept and looking beyond what’s literal to extrapolate or pull out hidden or undisclosed meaning. In literature it’s called literary critical analysis (yes, I took that class, too, and got an English Lit degree) and it works the same way – read the story, try to find the deeper meanings and get at what the author was thinking.

My thing is mnemonic devices. Yeah. It’s a mouthful. LOL. I basically take a word that means something to me – one of my newest ones is, “CUB,” and break that word down by creating words from the letters. So, to me, “CUB” means “Confident, Upbeat, Boisterous.” It fits, right? Breaking down the word helps me identify what I feel like the deeper meaning of the word is to me and helps me remember how I want to engage as a new cub in ELAB.

So eventually a cub grows up into a bear… notice there are no ifs or buts there? This thing is GOING to happen. (Feel that confident, upbeat, boisterous persona coming out?) So, I decided I needed to figure out what my BEAR will mean to me. Here’s what I got.

Breathe.
Breathing is literally required for living. Whether you’re doing it on your own or need the help of oxygen, breathing treatments, or a ventilator, you must do it to live. The need for it is innate. Unless you have pulmonary issues, or bad air quality where you live, breathing should come naturally and somewhat easily. But sometimes breathing needs to be purposeful. All you mommas out there who have gone through labor will understand this. Anyone who has ever dealt with a fussy baby when neither of you have had any sleep will understand this. Anyone who has ever managed to keep their cool while dealing with rude kids, rude parents, rude co-workers, rude bosses (see what I’m getting at) rude people in general will understand that sometimes, breathing MUST be purposeful. So instead of just breathing, you must TAKE a breath… or two… or 30.

I’m finding that I take many breaths before I do my meal planning. I take at least one before I open the fridge some days – sometimes before I go in the kitchen – and while I’m cooking. On extended fasting (EF) days I take breaths before I speak to people. If I’m grumpy in my heart, but don’t realize it, then I want to make sure my mild discomfort doesn’t become someone else’s hurt feelings. I take a breath to clear my head, to pause and consider my next step. In the same way I breathe to physically survive, I take a breath to survive and succeed emotionally and mentally. So that’s “B” in my bear.

Encourage/Exhort/Extol

I’ve lost weight many times by changing my eating habits. This is not my first rodeo (but it will be my last)! Losing weight isn’t a problem. Food choice knowledge (for the most part) isn’t the issue. Mental and emotional stamina - the mind-game marathon of losing and keeping it off, and the emotions and coping techniques attached to my “issues” are my struggle. So, what’s different this time? Support! The giving of hope! The building up of my confidence when I’m having a tough time… or even if I’m just having a pity party and need a loving, swift kick in the bear pants! Having a group like ELAB behind me – connecting corporately but also one on one – in concert with the food and physiology information, is the difference this time. But the bonus here is that in getting support, and hope, and confidence, I find I am more and more capable/willing/happy to give it back in kind. Then there’s this crazy victorious cycle! (The opposite of a vicious cycle – I think I made that up, you can use it. 😉) Encouragement leads to being encouraged, which leads to more encouraging, and so on! Which leads me to exhortation!

Exhortation can be one of those victorious cycles, too. As I urge myself to make the positive changes that are truly saving my mind and body, I feel a fire in my belly to speak openly and honestly, and of course, kindly, to people who reach out wanting to know what has changed in me. I’ve even risked a few awkward encounters with people who didn’t reach out… people with stories that I know, whom I admire, who might benefit from even just researching this way of life! Knowing what is being offered here – in my case: the freedom from obesity, lessening of Fibromyalgia pain, arthritis, joint and disc deterioration and degeneration, and inflammation symptomology, to name just a few. The freedom from depression, anxiety, agoraphobic tendencies, and low self-worth based on what seems like an inability to get and feel better, all of this is gone. Now granted those are all things I’ve been able to release, but I believe the principle is the same for everyone if they find their niche, their tribe, their den! So, I’m going to exhort them (as well as myself) to continue to seek health. I’m going to continue to exhort people to seek and find their own version of contentment and peace when it comes to food issues and overweight. I will use my journey as my proof and template – I can only relate my experience and what I know to be true – and hope there is some relatability or connection that leads to success for those who respond.

That leads me to extol! Don’t you just love a good deal? I have this new perfume I found that I LOVE and I decided to save up to buy the big bottle and not just the small bottle with the lotion pack… you know the one I’m talking about? The combo pack they sell at Christmas or Valentine’s Day so little kids (or strapped for cash big kids) can buy their mom or lady their favorite perfume but not have to eat ketchup soup for the week just to afford it? I didn’t want one of those. I wanted the 3oz bottle! (Ha, real “big.”) So, I saved my money and got online to buy it. Well, LOW AND BEHOLD!!! It was on sale, $30 off retail!! Holy guacamole! I scooped that thing up and had it on the first UPS (well, maybe not the *first* one) truck outta there! And when I got it and wore it, I told everyone that said, “Wow, you smell good!” about my deal! It was important for people to know! It was something I was proud of and something that made me feel good. It was something I could share and maybe others could get in on! If it were good for me, maybe it could be good for them; it wasn’t a brag, it certainly wasn’t about my ability to find the good deal. It was the about the deal itself. I was singing the praises of the deal itself and sharing.

It behooves me to extol the way of life (WOL) I am now leading. If something is worthy of doing, it’s worthy of praise. Not from a standpoint of, “LOOK AT ME!” But from a standpoint of, “Look what’s working for me, would you like to hear about it?” And this isn’t like starting my own MLM or pyramid type business. Not that there’s anything wrong with those – I have many amazing friends who supplement their lifestyle and income (some who support themselves entirely) by way of work from home type businesses. ELAB is health! The information can be found FREE online (there is the option of buying digital copies to print, which is what I did because I’m a journaling note taker) and the support group on FB is free to join! As Amanda Rose states on the main pages: “No drugs, no surgery, no branded products. Required: Your own bootstraps!” You’ve heard people say things like this before, “If you knew you had a cure for cancer – even if it only cured one kind of cancer – wouldn’t you want to share it with the world?”

My answer is yes.

So, I’m sharing. I’m gonna share the heck out of this way of life! Maybe it won’t work for everyone… maybe it’s not the right time for some people. I’ll be gentle, remembering that we’re all at different places in life and some of us aren’t quite ready to face some of the horrific details of the circumstances that led us to our personal prison cells of obesity, gluttony, or mental/emotionally fragility. But I’m ready to guide people when they ARE ready. I’m open. I’m vulnerable. I think it’s important to extol the virtues of virtuous things – this has certainly got to be one of those things. Right?

A is for acknowledge/admit. I think most 12 step programs start with something along the lines of, “The first step toward breaking free from addiction is admitting you have a problem.” Now I’m not going to make a blanket statement about every person participating in ELAB. I’m not saying everyone is addicted to food, or coping with food, or whatever. What I am saying is that I personally came to a point where I had to acknowledge I was struggling. I was struggling with health issues caused by overweight, mental illness causing or caused by overweight and/or overeating, failing relationships because I couldn’t see past my own issues to care about the issues of others, and a host of many other big and small co-morbidities. I took a good look at myself in the literal and figurative mirror and owned my pathology. At times I got downright brutal with myself – it was a necessary for me – but then I forgave myself and allowed myself to be loved and comforted and uplifted by my Comforter. This process made it possible for me to then admit out loud, all that came to me: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

There’s something about vocalizing – whether it’s verbal processing or the guttural cries that come with anguish and mourning – that makes me feel better. (Another great thing about the ELAB group and sharing – extol!) It’s cleansing, and it continues to be. As unresolved issues come up, I am continuing to do the same – I’m acknowledging those things and admitting they are real and need fixing. Sometimes the admissions take the form of prayers to God, confessions – asking Him for forgiveness and praying for strength to do the work I need to do to become the best me I can be. Sometimes the admissions come in the form of conversations with friends who have stood by me despite my flake-outs and lack of follow through. It’s telling them I now see what I was doing and how I hurt them or our relationship regardless of whether it was intentional or not. Sometimes the admissions come in journaling, or blog posts, or poetry… whatever form they take, they are part of the process for me and I need them to be a part of my bear.

The last letter of my bear stands for a process: remember, reflect, regret, and release. I’m not a forgetter. I don’t usually hold grudges or anything like that, that’s not what I mean, I just mean that I remember things to learn from them and do or be better next time. Whether it’s something I’ve done, or something that’s been done to me, if it’s something good, then I want to remember it so I can draw from it and be uplifted by it later, especially if I’m having an off day. Or, if it’s a kindness done to me then I want to remember and reciprocate or pay it forward. (Reciprocate – another good “R” word.) If it’s something negative or hurtful then I want to remember that maybe next time I won’t trust that person, or I won’t choose that course of action. So, I remember things that have happened in my past, reflect on them, and glean from them, and use those memories to guide my present.

Sometimes my reflection leads to regret. Regret is a funny word these days because it seems like no one really wants to have any – or at least they don’t want to admit to having any. But regret just boils down to disappointment, and I for one have felt lots of disappointment in my life. I’ve been disappointed with my own choices, and the choices of others’. I’ve been disappointed with the way things have worked out for me or for others. I’ve been disappointed at missed opportunities that I either flaked out on or were out of my control to avoid. Disappointment happens – regret happens. It’s healthy to be sorry about things. It’s healthy to repent of wrongs done. But once the regret has been processed and learned from, I must release it: my final “r” for the final letter of my bear.

Release. I get goosebumps when I think of this word – when I say it out loud, I remember that “WHOOSH” of ketosis during my first few weeks of eating clean and low-carb. I also get this vision of being on the beach, sand in my hand, and releasing the sand into a gust of wind as the waves roll in… release… stillness… quiet… contentment… peace… all of these things come to mind and settle in my soul. In the same way it’s not been healthy for me to hold onto all this weight, it’s unhealthy to hold onto regret. So, I feel it, work through it, and release it to the wind.

Last thoughts: My bear process isn’t something I do once and then I’m done. It’s cyclical. As things come up in life, I deal with them. It’s part of my new -found way of living/thinking: purposeful living with as much transparent intent as I can muster... Sometimes the process is quick and effortless – some things are SO easy to get over and be done with, like some ridiculously obnoxious relationships that have gone WAY past their sell-by date. But sometimes the process is labored, like passing a kidney or gall stone, or having a baby that simply doesn’t want to leave mama’s womb! Strained familial relationships, multi-faceted and complicated at best, are often in this category for me. There’s no quick fix there… and sometimes there’s just no fix at all! But I can still take those relationships as far through the process as I’m able and in doing so, there is some amount of release. I can release the parts that I have no control over. I can release the choices that I made and regret by apologizing and putting the proverbial ball in their court. I can release any guilt I might be feeling and be as present and healthy in the relationship as I’m able. 

This is my bear. This is what it means to me. Maybe you have something similar or maybe you’ve never even thought about it. I hope you’ll consider these words and figure it out for yourself. If it helps, great! That’s a win! If not, release it and do your own thing.

Hugs from this cub, 💘🌻🐻

Stephanie

I got nothin'

I can't imagine the woman at the well being invited to any of the "what's cool in home sales" parties to which I've been invited in the past year, let alone actually show up. And yet she is the person in the Bible I relate to most. Our situations aren't exactly the same (I've never been married even once) and yet somehow I feel like I could sit and talk with her. I don't believe she would judge me, and I don't know that I could judge her. It seems like everybody knew who she was... she had no airs... so when she showed up to the well to get water it wasn't like she was trying to hid anything. She wasn't parading around or blowing a trumpet, but she wasn't trying to hide in the shadows, either. She wore her situation, not proudly, but openly for all to see. 

That's kind of what it's like, for me, being obese.

I'm not fooling anyone by wearing my clothes a little baggy. (Although the bigger I get the harder it is for me to find clothes that actually ARE baggy.) My shapeless t-shirts and hoodies may cover up my individual rolls of fat, but they don't hide my size. Nobody assumes the shape of my shadow isn't indicative of my actual height and weight. There's no tiny mouse coming over the horizon at the bottom of that huge, scary, monster, shadow. The shadow is huge because I'm huge. Don't tut-tut me, or mentally tell me to "hush." This is no fishing expedition. I'm not looking for pity, or comfort, or for someone to make excuses for me. I'm showing up at the well, trying to get some water. I'm not proud, but I'm not going to try and hide it anymore.

Because the fact is, it's not pretty. It's not ideal. It's not easy. It's not working. Everything I've ever done in the past to try and get over this shit has failed. I have failed. Or if it isn't a matter of me failing, it's a matter of things not working out. Me quitting a diet program too soon? Failure. Me giving in to my addiction and eating that food that will send me back to square one? Failure. Me joining a gym only to show up for a week then bail? Failure. Me being dishonest on my food journal? Failure. Me skipping a meeting because I've had a set-back? Failure. Gastric by-pass surgery? No insurance coverage - didn't work out. Biggest Loser try-outs? Didn't get picked - didn't work out. And here's me showing up to the well after each "try," bigger, more out of shape, that much closer to death. No dramatic overtures here, just reality. Just failure.

Weight a minute while I catch my breath cuz it's probably in Toledo by now.

So I joined a gym.

Yeah, "Yea me!" By God's grace I have a friend who had already joined a while back. I'm now an office Black Card member at Planet Fitness. We went for the first time today and I was able to walk for 30 minutes (total) and we did some weight machines for upper body. After that we sat in the massage chair for 5 minutes and marveled at modern technology.

I tried the recumbent bike but my stomach and legs are too big for that right now. It puts too much stress on my hips trying to bring my feet that close together. Does that sound pathetic? It felt pathetic! I'm wondering if it will be the same for a standard stationary bike? I also tried the elliptical machine but the amount of weight I'm trying to... elliptic...ize(?) is just too much for my creaky knees right now. Exercising should burn, not make you feel like something is broken, right? So I walked for 14 minutes on the treadmill then tried the other two machines. When I realized I wasn't going to be able to do them right away I settled for 17 more minutes on the treadmill and some upper body weight machines.

It's a little humbling, surprisingly it wasn't embarrassing, to get on the treadmill and realize just how very much I need to be on that treadmill. (I chock that up - not being embarrassed - to the fact that there weren't a lot of people in the gym when we went, and PF has a supposed "no judgment" mantra.) I got over the humility pretty fast, however, because all I could think about was breathing and breathing and, well, breathing. I would turn up my speed and then my walking buddy would ask me a question so I'd turn the speed back down a few clicks to be able to communicate with out gasping after every syllable. I always stayed above 1.5 mph, though, until it was time for the cool down, which the treadmill computer did on its own. So in the middle of my 30 minutes I tried out the other machines and then came back and finished out on the treadmill again. Let me tell you, walking in the grocery store makes the time fly so much faster than walking on the treadmill. But the treadmill gives you more info, and I'm kind of an info junkie right now.

Speaking of info junkie, I started back on My Fitness Pal as well and I am slightly addicted to putting all my food and exercise information in. :-) It's probably the same character trait in me that makes me want to blog. Ha ha ha. I'm being diligent but not militant about things, though. It still has to be about freedom otherwise I'm going to rebel against it like I've done in the past.

I'm looking at going to gym with the same attitude: I am free to go to the gym and workout or not. It would be silly for me to pay for the membership and not go, but I'm allowed to make that choice if I want to. If I'm not feeling well one day - and I'm talking really sick, not just tired - then I'm not going to beat myself up for staying home. It's a freedom, not a requirement. It's a gift, really. It's also a great excuse to get out of the house during the day... I'll admit that my mental health was starting to suffer since I don't have a traditional 8 to 5 job and was spending most of my day just hanging out with the DD woman I live with. My goal is to go to the gym 4 times a week, and also hit the aquatic center at least 2 times a week for physical therapy for my cervical vertebrae injury/herniated discs. This is the plan, I made the plan so I get healthy, healthy makes me happy, but happiness is a choice. Ha ha ha. I'm not requiring myself to be happy. I want to be happy.

It's all about perspective.

What a difference a day makes...

Darn you, Eve!

I know there's that, "You who are without sin cast the first stone," thing, but there are moments when I really want to have a few words with our foremother. Over the last two weeks I've been dealing with some female issues that started out pretty benign and easy to handle. I'm at a certain age where changes are happening so I'm studied up and have the proper doctor visits scheduled to make sure everything is indeed, "normal." Late last night/early this morning, however, things took a bit of a nose dive off the deep end of "easy to handle" and I found myself hormonal, lacking necessities, and craving everything in and out of sight. So I went to the store and purchased the necessities I had long run out of (not to mention wrongly assumed I would not be using again) and sat in the car to sulk for a bit.

Then I went crazy...

But stayed under my calories...

And I probably won't go to the gym tomorrow if things keep "going" the way they are now.

I can't really blame Eve. Granted her actions made it so that all of her future daughters would have to suffer certain issues relating to fertility and child-bearing. But, in her disobedience what she did was eat something she shouldn't have... Obviously this little apple didn't fall far from her foremother's tree, so I can't and won't judge.

I'll just grumble and whine for a little bit and start new tomorrow.

Welcome Back!

Back in the saddle, back on the wagon, back in business, back in the USSR... okay, maybe not that last one. :) It's been too long! Or maybe it's been just long enough? God *is* mysterious in His ways, right?

I'm not sure how many times I've figured this out before, but I just figured it out again; I don't do well with change. Let me clarify - I don't transition well with regard to life changes and the effect they have on my health habits. Yep, that says it right there. It's been almost two years since I was in the health frame of mind. Looking back over this time I can see where I lost track. In fact, I think I can pinpoint the the initial decision that lead to the eventual off-ramp and detour. I chose to go back to something that I'd failed at/struggled with several times before under the unwise assumption that some slight alterations would this time lead me to success. Inevitably these alterations didn't pan out and the situation ended up being pretty much the same as it had been each time before. You know that saying about the definition of insanity, right? Well, there I was. It turned out to be a pretty big deal with regard to my overall health and wellness and I found myself traveling back down a road I really couldn't afford to be on again. What started out as a seemingly small pebble in my shoe soon began to affect every aspect of my life and the downward spiral wasn't far off. God uses what He will to make things happen, however, and in June of last year I was able to change my circumstances so that I could literally and figuratively escape the return to the path of destruction, and get back on the road that would lead me to the correct on-ramp. That correct on-ramp was still another 6 months away, but praise Him, I found it, and by His grace I'll stay on the straight and narrow this time.

So here I am, six months later! It's the beginning of a new year, I'm in a very stable situation where I can pick and choose what I want to allow into my life (versus what simply won't cut it). Things aren't ideal in every way, but my frame of mind, and my all important clarity of thinking are back. THIS is really what takes a beating when I get all discombobulated because of some kind of chaos (usually self induced) that upsets my world. Once things settle down, once I allow Him to settle them down and show me where I went wrong, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.

So here's to starting all over again!

And really, I'll do it (start over) as often as I need to, as often as He allows me to, in order to be able to honestly say I'm doing the very best I can. Right now that means keeping track of what I eat and making allowances for life and the different eating situations I run into. It also means getting out and moving: I joined a gym, and will also do physical therapy at a nearby aquatic center. Finally, it means accountability. I have a food buddy and a workout buddy!

So here's to new starts, new years, and new opportunities! I'm looking forward to checking in here and talking about what I'm learning. If you're reading this, thanks for stopping by!

 "Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Food is Fuel: Freedom to Eat

There is a big difference for me when it comes to blogging online (blogging directly onto the website) versus writing offline and posting later. Somehow it feels natural to me to write stream of conscious-ly - more authentic and organic. Sometimes the subject matter needs to be labored over, so I understand the need for writing, re-writing, re-writing again, etc. But since so much of what I'm posting in this blog is based on personal experience there's not a lot that needs to be researched or proof checked - I can just write. For me there is freedom in it. Freedom is kind of a new concept for me these days, and it's the topic of my blog today.

Food is fuel. I understand this now, I think. I understand it in my core. I also understand, however, that there are different kinds of fuel. Some cars (hearkening back to the analogy I started last time) need high performance fuel to run. I think they call it high octane? Some cars run best on mid-grade gas. Some require diesel, and others seem to happily putter along on regular unleaded. Since I'm even less familiar with concept cars that run on electricity, than I am "traditional" fossil fuel engines, I won't try to add this type of fuel into my mix. I will say, however, that electricity is another type of "fuel" that powers engines and in that sense it works on a general level for what I'm writing about.

It is my belief that God created humans to run on one type of fuel: the natural kind. Now I have no clue how to integrate that into my car analogy, perhaps inspiration will strike me later and I can add something, but in the Garden our Creator provided us with everything we would need to live. But when sin entered the world the food chain was revamped, and for better or worse (over simplification intended) new items were put on the menu. Even so, these new items were still "natural" in that; they either came from the soil, ate things that came from the soil, or ate things that ate things that came from the soil.

Fast forward through all the ages (I wasn't good at history in school, not much has changed) and suddenly we have ways to preserve things that don't include packing things in ice, salt, or spices. Also! We can make things faster and "tastier" (you can substitute the term "chemically addictive" here if you'd like) if we add crazy unnatural stuff to food or over process it! Lately, we have taken to genetically altering “healthy foods” so they grow faster and produce stronger crops. So now we have to buy specially labeled foods called "organic" to insure we're getting the real deal! (But even then we have to double check because food producers are savvy to this and they're trying to pull the wool over our eyes.)

Now, as health crazy (and I mean that in a good way, don't take offense) as those last two sentences may sound, I do not currently practice any kind of legalism or fanaticism with regard to my food choices. (Choose whichever term you like, lol.) But I'm not saying I disagree with it, either! I'm just not yet there in my journey. It is my eventual goal, however, to eat as naturally and as healthy as possible. I say eventual goal because something amazing has happened – something 42 years in the making.

I've just discovered food liberty!

Yep, I have finally figured out what food freedom means and I'm at that stage where I honestly eat what I want, when I want to eat it. Now I'm not talking about having carte blanche here – I’m not advocating binging or emotional eating. I don’t eat if I’m not hungry (although I do pay attention to cravings to determine if it’s something my body needs – for instance when I crave protein), and I'm choosing to be accountable - I count my all of my calories no matter what. Whether I take in under 1900 calories, over 1900 calories, or right at 1900 calories, I count them all - the good, the bad, and the ugly. But that's the awesome part about food freedom - there's no longer good, bad, or ugly - it's all just fuel. Certainly some types of food make me perform better - this is absolutely true! Furthermore, some food I chose not to eat because it interferes with my IBS issues. But ultimately my heart and mind have finally come to grips with the fact that all food is just fuel and it amazes me what this discovery - this freedom - has done for me!

In the past I was under the impression – maybe I should say under the "oppression" - that there were morally good foods and morally bad foods. If I ate something morally good; like carrots, then *I* was morally good. Morally good eating meant I was somehow worthy of God's love, worthy of my parents' positive attention, more valuable as a human being, and generally smarter, prettier, funnier, and more talented than if I’d eaten morally bad food. If I ate morally bad food; like a piece of cake, I was a failure. Eating things like cake or ice cream, or eating too much of something morally good (overeating), was tantamount to having no self-discipline and God was disappointed in me. If God was disappointed in me then I was going to be fat forever and everyone knows that “fat” is a social and literal death sentence. Furthermore, I couldn’t be trusted to make good decisions about anything if I couldn’t make good decisions about my food choices.

Man, talk about giving food power, and talk about a messed up view of God’s love!

I can’t begin to tell you how many times this kind of thinking sent me into a binge spiral. I mean after all, what’s the point of stopping after a row of cookies? God is already totally disgusted with me. He can’t be MORE disgusted if I eat the rest of the bag, right? At least I’ll get a happy rush from all the sugar before I crash and burn and REALLY start the self loathing process. (This frustrates me… saddens me… to read this back. There was so much hurt and confusion back then.) Oh, and don’t get me started on holidays. I was both giddy with excitement and petrified with fear at the thought of a big holiday meal coming up. Lots of people around meant lots of food that was easy to sneak out of the kitchen or off the tables. But it also meant my mother’s eagle eye and disapproving scowl (which I now know was her version of concern) if she happened to catch me on the take. Top it all off with a belly so full of food it sent me into a food/guilt coma for the next few days and you have the recipe for an opportunistic, binging, closet-eating, completely unhappy, obese woman who almost gave up. But like they say; “almost doesn’t count.”

BUT I DO!


And by that (yes I started that sentence with “and”) I mean that I count: I’m valuable, I’m worthy of God’s love, I matter, my parents love me whether I eat that extra piece of cake or not. But I also mean that I literally count – as in I count my calories. If there is one area where I have chosen to be legalistic… wait, not legalistic… DILIGENT! If there is one area where I have chosen to be diligent it’s in keeping track of my calories. I don’t do it because I have to; I do it because I want to. I want to know how much fuel I’m putting in my gas tank. It’s good to know! I like knowing my laundry is done. I like knowing I’ve fed Tiger. I like knowing ahead of time if I have plans on the weekend. These are all good things. But I’m not going to die if my laundry doesn’t get done, and Tiger’s not going to hate me if I don’t feed him right at 5:00 am in the morning. (Okay, on that last one I have to be honest, he won’t hate me but he will certainly let me know what time it is and that I’m late for my appointment with his food bowl.) Continuing on, if I don’t know what my weekend plans are until the weekend is already here, I’m not going to have a nervous breakdown. It’s all about perspective, and that, kind readers, is what has changed: my perspective!

Funny thing about perspective – it can change! People can change! We can change our actions, our goals… we can even change our minds! For example, I changed my mind on this blog entry. What started as a direct to website post has transitioned into an “offline cuz I had to let some ideas simmer” post. I can do that because I have the freedom to choose one thing or the other. The wonderful thing about true freedom is that what I once considered to be a shackle, for instance saying “no” to a donut, now has little or no hold over me. (I’m still a work in progress.) I don’t HAVE to say “no” to the donut, but I can, if I want, cuz it’s just a donut – it’s just fuel. I can eat half of it and throw the other half away. I can cut it into fourths, eat one piece and freeze the other three pieces for later. I can even take a bite of it and give the rest of it to one of my skinny friends. It’s my choice, it’s up to me, and (finally!), it’s not a big deal!

So nowadays I eat what I want and base my choices on things like: my plans for that day, how I’m feeling physically, and the amount of fuel/calories I had the day (or last few days) before. If I really want a venti Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino from Starbucks, especially if they are half priced during happy hour, then I have one. But first I pull up my MFP app on my phone and plug that sucker in – all 580 calories worth. I’m not saying everyone should do this; I’m saying I am finally able to do this and have it be a deliberate and accounted for choice that I’ve made rather than an act of rebellion that I have to justify because it makes me question my morality or my value as a human being. Absolute craziness!

Speaking of craziness – I still have my off days. But as off-days go, they are SO way less “off” than they used to be. I just don’t have a reason to go crazy anymore. I still have emotionally stressful days – I’m kind of a magnet for them. I still freak out over things! But since food is just fuel, and has no power over me, I don’t use it as a drug to numb my feelings anymore; I don’t use it to sabotage my relationships with Christ or my family; and I don’t worry that I’m missing out on anything because I can have everything! So what used to be a nose dive into a bag of chips and a whole jar of Nalley’s Spinach Dip (the big jar, not the little one) is now one third of a bag of those chips and one third of that jar – mind you that before I opened either one I checked the label to see just how many calories I would be consuming as I exercise my freedom to eat.

Food is for Fuel

How many times have I heard this statement or some variation of it? 

How many times have my ears transmitted this information to my brain, where my cognitive processes broke down the meaning, only to have the application department of my mental faculty file it under, "Huh?"

Let's see... the answer is: LOTS.

So imagine my surprise when, at the encouragement of my friend KP, I joined an amazing little website called MyFitnessPal www.myfitnesspal.com, and after entering in all my information I suddenly realized that FOOD IS FUEL!!! (Cue Hallelujah chorus!) Now I don't want to give credit where it's not due. I really enjoy the simplicity and user friendliness of MFP, it's definitely been the avenue through which this "EUREKA" moment happened, but I'm going to venture a guess that the real enlightenment came because of God's perfect timing and my (finally) readiness to mentally and emotionally digest, as well as apply, this bit of information about how the human body - MY human body - works. 

God is good! (Can I get an, "All the time!"?)

Now, I don't know if I'm going to be able to fully capture the "A-ha" moment exactly as it happened. God really does, after all, work in mysterious ways. What I can tell, you, however, is that I have really connected with the concept of my body being like a car that needs fuel to run. I'm no mechanic, so some of my analogy may not be totally transferable between humans and motor vehicles, but again, this was my realization and as long as it works for me I'm gonna roll with it.

My body requires a certain amount of fuel each day to do the basics. My body's physical systems and minimal activity require approximately 2900 calories per day to maintain my CURRENT level of performance, as well as my current weight. This number is reached (the website did it for me but I think I could do the math if I had to) by considering my current weight, age, and level of activity. So if I'm a vehicle - we'll say I'm a Ford dually pick up truck - then I know that it takes 29 gallons of gas to get me around town and do the things I need to do on a daily basis. (Remember, this may not make auto sense, lol.) BUT! As luck (yeah, not) would have it, I happen to have some fat stores on my person!!! For the truck we'll say I have "reserve tanks", ha ha ha, and the fuel in the reserve tanks is old and causing a lot of damage to the truck. After all, lots of fuel can be heavy and carrying all that extra fuel around is hard on the engine and so forth, which means I really should use up that reserve fuel first before I fill up on new fuel. Plan of action? Rather than put 29 gallons in my main tank tomorrow, I'm only going to put 19 gallons! Coincidentally (not really), I'm only taking in 1900 calories each day right now! Once that 1900 calories is gone (by way of normal physical systems) my body is going to automatically start using my fat reserves as fuel. Subsequently, as my fat reserves are depleted (and the Ford's reserve tanks have less fuel in them) fuel efficiency becomes better (my body does what it has to do while taking less effort and causing less damage) and I lose weight!

MyFitnessPal is set up so it calculates for an average loss of two pounds per week. I am in LOVE with this. I have been on SO many diets, and more than a few of them have focused on drastic calorie reduction. I understand that there is a place for this: people who are (as I commented to a friend the other day) deathly obese - in other words they're so fat that they are going to die pretty soon from it - need to lose weight as quickly as possible. Despite some aches and pains from being overweight, however, I'm halfway healthy-ish for my size, and as I mentioned in my last blog, my blessing of having always been fairly strong and having a decent muscle base under all this excess fat, has kept me fairly mobile for the most part. Losing weight fast isn't something I have to do, and many healthcare experts agree. I look to the Mayo Clinic website for a lot of my information and I've included a link to one article that has info regarding slow but steady weight loss. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/weight-loss/HQ01625


Okay! Now for some thoughts that came about after I made the connection I explained a paragraph back. I know the explanation may not be that great, but maybe, Lord willing, one of these thoughts will be YOUR "a-ha" moment and all of this will be more than just words on a blog. 

• What happens when an engine gets too much fuel? It floods and the car won't start. The same thing happens to me when I eat too much... I mean, I can still move around and stuff but what's crazy is that I don't WANT to. Overeating, for me, causes a mental and emotional flooding of sorts. I can tell the difference in how I physically feel, too. When I go WAY over the limit - when I binge - my body doesn't feel right, and I believe that is how God made me - how He made US. 
• The opposite is true, too. When I eat way too few calories, or no calories at all (barring illness or something like that), it doesn't feel right. I get light headed  and jittery, and I get GRUMPY! OH MY do I get grumpy. If you try to start a car with no gas in the tank it might run for a bit - because there may be residual fuel in the engine - but I guarantee it's not going to run for long. Heaven forbid you end up on the side of the proverbial road somewhere unable to function. Worse yet, what if the car stops running, you lose control, and you crash - metaphorically speaking of course. Ever heard the term "running on fumes?" It's not good for the car and it's not good for us, either.
• Some days I DO choose to go over or under the 1900 mark, and it's okay because I'm not basing my success on one day's calorie intake. But DECIDING to go over or under1900 calories one day is totally different than going crazy with calories on a binge or starving yourself because you feel like you messed up on your diet. What makes sense to me is how Weight Watchers www.weightwatchers.com has daily calories and weekly calories. (WW is a good program that works for many, but I personally refuse to put another penny into any more "programs." That being said, do what works for you!!) A lot of healthy weight/sized celebrities do this, too. I think I even read an article on Heidi Klum where she said she adjusts her calories based on what she has going on in her day to day life. SO! If I choose to go over my 1900 calories one day - let's say I'm going to a birthday party and want to have cake but would rather plan for the calorie overage tomorrow - then I do just that. I reduce tomorrow's calories so that between the two days I've still only taken in 3800 calories. For me it's about ALL of the race, not just that one lap or that one turn...

I didn't really get into types of food on this post, but I will on the next one. I kind of feel like it deserves it's own day, and I've got a lot to say about food choices. So I'll end this one by saying what I have always said, "It took me 42 years to get here, it's not going to be over in a day."

Choosing PHAT over FAT,

Stephanie