Food is fuel. I understand this now, I think. I understand it in my core. I also understand, however, that there are different kinds of fuel. Some cars (hearkening back to the analogy I started last time) need high performance fuel to run. I think they call it high octane? Some cars run best on mid-grade gas. Some require diesel, and others seem to happily putter along on regular unleaded. Since I'm even less familiar with concept cars that run on electricity, than I am "traditional" fossil fuel engines, I won't try to add this type of fuel into my mix. I will say, however, that electricity is another type of "fuel" that powers engines and in that sense it works on a general level for what I'm writing about.
It is my belief that God created humans to run on one type of fuel: the natural kind. Now I have no clue how to integrate that into my car analogy, perhaps inspiration will strike me later and I can add something, but in the Garden our Creator provided us with everything we would need to live. But when sin entered the world the food chain was revamped, and for better or worse (over simplification intended) new items were put on the menu. Even so, these new items were still "natural" in that; they either came from the soil, ate things that came from the soil, or ate things that ate things that came from the soil.
Fast forward through all the ages (I wasn't good at history in school, not much has changed) and suddenly we have ways to preserve things that don't include packing things in ice, salt, or spices. Also! We can make things faster and "tastier" (you can substitute the term "chemically addictive" here if you'd like) if we add crazy unnatural stuff to food or over process it! Lately, we have taken to genetically altering “healthy foods” so they grow faster and produce stronger crops. So now we have to buy specially labeled foods called "organic" to insure we're getting the real deal! (But even then we have to double check because food producers are savvy to this and they're trying to pull the wool over our eyes.)
Now, as health crazy (and I mean that in a good way, don't take offense) as those last two sentences may sound, I do not currently practice any kind of legalism or fanaticism with regard to my food choices. (Choose whichever term you like, lol.) But I'm not saying I disagree with it, either! I'm just not yet there in my journey. It is my eventual goal, however, to eat as naturally and as healthy as possible. I say eventual goal because something amazing has happened – something 42 years in the making.
I've just discovered food liberty!
In the past I was under the impression – maybe I should say under the "oppression" - that there were morally good foods and morally bad foods. If I ate something morally good; like carrots, then *I* was morally good. Morally good eating meant I was somehow worthy of God's love, worthy of my parents' positive attention, more valuable as a human being, and generally smarter, prettier, funnier, and more talented than if I’d eaten morally bad food. If I ate morally bad food; like a piece of cake, I was a failure. Eating things like cake or ice cream, or eating too much of something morally good (overeating), was tantamount to having no self-discipline and God was disappointed in me. If God was disappointed in me then I was going to be fat forever and everyone knows that “fat” is a social and literal death sentence. Furthermore, I couldn’t be trusted to make good decisions about anything if I couldn’t make good decisions about my food choices.
Man, talk about giving food power, and talk about a messed up view of God’s love!
I can’t begin to tell you how many times this kind of thinking sent me into
a binge spiral. I mean after all, what’s the point of stopping after a row of
cookies? God is already totally disgusted with me. He can’t be MORE disgusted
if I eat the rest of the bag, right? At least I’ll get a happy rush from all
the sugar before I crash and burn and REALLY start the self loathing process.
(This frustrates me… saddens me… to read this back. There was so much hurt and
confusion back then.) Oh, and don’t get me started on holidays. I was both
giddy with excitement and petrified with fear at the thought of a big holiday
meal coming up. Lots of people around meant lots of food that was easy to sneak
out of the kitchen or off the tables. But it also meant my mother’s eagle eye
and disapproving scowl (which I now know was her version of concern) if she
happened to catch me on the take. Top it all off with a belly so full of food
it sent me into a food/guilt coma for the next few days and you have the recipe
for an opportunistic, binging, closet-eating, completely unhappy, obese woman who
almost gave up. But like they say; “almost doesn’t count.”BUT I DO!
And by that (yes I started that sentence with “and”) I mean that I count: I’m valuable, I’m worthy of God’s love, I matter, my parents love me whether I eat that extra piece of cake or not.
But I also mean that I literally count – as in
I count my calories. If there is one
area where I have chosen to be legalistic… wait, not legalistic… DILIGENT! If
there is one area where I have chosen to be diligent it’s in keeping track of
my calories. I don’t do it because I have to; I do it because I want to. I want
to know how much fuel I’m putting in my gas tank. It’s good to know! I like
knowing my laundry is done. I like knowing I’ve fed Tiger. I like knowing ahead
of time if I have plans on the weekend. These are all good things. But I’m not
going to die if my laundry doesn’t get done, and Tiger’s not going to hate me
if I don’t feed him right at 5:00 am in the morning. (Okay, on that last one I
have to be honest, he won’t hate me but he will certainly let me know what time
it is and that I’m late for my appointment with his food bowl.) Continuing on,
if I don’t know what my weekend plans are until the weekend is already here, I’m
not going to have a nervous breakdown. It’s all about perspective, and that,
kind readers, is what has changed: my perspective!
Funny thing about perspective – it can change! People can change! We can change our actions, our goals… we can even change our minds! For example, I changed my mind on this blog entry. What started as a direct to website post has transitioned into an “offline cuz I had to let some ideas simmer” post. I can do that because I have the freedom to choose one thing or the other. The wonderful thing about true freedom is that what I once considered to be a shackle, for instance saying “no” to a donut, now has little or no hold over me. (I’m still a work in progress.) I don’t HAVE to say “no” to the donut, but I can, if I want, cuz it’s just a donut – it’s just fuel. I can eat half of it and throw the other half away. I can cut it into fourths, eat one piece and freeze the other three pieces for later. I can even take a bite of it and give the rest of it to one of my skinny friends. It’s my choice, it’s up to me, and (finally!), it’s not a big deal!
So nowadays I eat what I want and base my choices on things like: my plans
for that day, how I’m feeling physically, and the amount of fuel/calories I had
the day (or last few days) before. If I really want a venti Mocha Cookie
Crumble Frappuccino from Starbucks, especially if they are half priced during
happy hour, then I have one. But first I pull up my MFP app on my phone and
plug that sucker in – all 580 calories worth. I’m not saying everyone should do
this; I’m saying I am finally able to do this and have it be a deliberate and
accounted for choice that I’ve made rather than an act of rebellion that I have
to justify because it makes me question my morality or my value as a human
being. Absolute craziness!Speaking of craziness – I still have my off days. But as off-days go, they are SO way less “off” than they used to be. I just don’t have a reason to go crazy anymore. I still have emotionally stressful days – I’m kind of a magnet for them. I still freak out over things! But since food is just fuel, and has no power over me, I don’t use it as a drug to numb my feelings anymore; I don’t use it to sabotage my relationships with Christ or my family; and I don’t worry that I’m missing out on anything because I can have everything! So what used to be a nose dive into a bag of chips and a whole jar of Nalley’s Spinach Dip (the big jar, not the little one) is now one third of a bag of those chips and one third of that jar – mind you that before I opened either one I checked the label to see just how many calories I would be consuming as I exercise my freedom to eat.
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